Working Papers or "Veniam Pro Laudo Peto"
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Christ's Birth coming up and I am feeling sorry for myself..I should be ashamed!

Monday, December 20, 2004
So here we are on December 21st and I should be sleeping and dreaming about the Coming of Our Lord and King and I wake up feeling sorry for myself. So, I thought I would write it out and get it out of my head so that I can concentrate on the more important task at hand that being preparing my heart for Christ Jesus. So please be paitnet with me as I ramble on and moan and groan so that I can get it out then I can get the negative feelings out of my head.
I was not able to get my daughter any clothes or even a nice gift this year. I tried to save for one of those mp3 players but had to use the money to pay down bills and buy food for us. I have about 7.oo in my pocket now for gas to get me to the doctors and to pick up my daughter for the next two weeks. My own clothes are a in a state tosay the least. Because I lost so much weight pretty fast (over 210#) I have to wear size 36 or 38 jeans even though I am now a size 34. My shirts look like tents on me; I tuck and retuck but they are way way to big. The few sweaters that I do have are all very big so it is a bit embarrassing to go out. I even got to wear I would sew my skivvies up a bit so that they would not be to big. My winter coat is a size 5x, my leather jacket is a size 6x and even my jean jacket that I got while loosing the weight is way to big (3x). My coats and my clothes make me look like a vagabond because they are all so big and pretty worn. I know that Christmas is not about gifts..I know this..I also know that I should be grateful for the things that I do have..some people do not even have oversized clothes. Financially it has been a hard year. I have made mistakes that I am trying to fix. Paying for 6 surgeries over the past 3 years did not help matters either. But, I have a roof over my head, I will be able to pay my rent next month and many of my other bills, my health while not great is better than it could be, I am living close to my daughter and get to spend some time with her over Christmas, I have a wonderful parish and most of all I have a relationship with Christ which is stronger today than it was in previous years. I need to focus on the good in my life and thank God for that and the rest I will offer up to Him whom I serve for the sake of souls. It is easy to get wrapped up in possessions and in "should haves" or "could haves" but I need to offer praise and thanksgiving for what I have; My daughter and my Lord both of whom I love so much. Maybe someday I can get those clothes for me or for her or I can get that player thing but that is in God's hands. What I pray for is not those things but rather a increase in holiness, faith, hope and love in my life and in the lives of those all around me. What I pray for is also a continual radical conversion in my heart and the hearts of all those in my life that the Holy Name of Jesus may be praised.
There now I feel better! I will now go pray the Office of Readings for Tuesday, Dec. 21st, 2004 and thank and praise God through my prayers. Please remember me in your prayers too. (thanks!)
Give thanks to the Lord Our God for He is good!
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    12/20/2004 11:12:00 PM :: ::
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