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The Metamorphosis

Saturday, April 23, 2005

"Jesus I Trust In YOU!!!" Posted by Hello
While many people are familiar with the Franz Kafta classic "The Metamorphosis" which was written about the main character Gregor Sampsa who is transformed from a man in to a bug. The Metamorphosis I am speaking of has been my own over the past year plus. I came back from confession this evening and for some reason I started looking at the older journal entries of mine from several years ago and more recently the blog postings from 6 plus months ago. While before a year or more ago I took my faith very seriously the real transformation took place when I started making several Holy Hours per week before Our Lord and with more frequent, if not daily reception of the Sacrament of Eucharist. The change is gradual and sometimes there were days that I felt like I was moving backwards in my walk with HIM than forwards (perhaps that was some of the nessasary purgation process of the soul). I know though that the point I am at with my self knowledge and more importantly my journey to HIM is so much deeper than ever before in my life. Perhaps one of the biggest boosts in my journey came during the first week of Advent when I made a silent retreat. Anouther boost came in the first few days of Lent when I made anouther silent retreat. Throughout Lent I made a promise to myself that I would make as many Holy Hours as I could each week. There were a couple days when I would stop in for a 'quick visit' at the start of the day and then I would end up coming back to close my day and say goodnight to HIM. I think also a major factor was when I surrendered to HIM in the fall and made my Total Concecration to Jesus through Mary using St. Louis Marie De Monfort's method. Unlike the character of the fiction book I did not wake up one day and all things were different- the process was slow and painful at times. I tend to grow very frustrated with myself when I can not do something I want fast enough and so I also did (and still find myself doing unfortunatly) with my spiritual journey. I would imagine that the confessors that I have gone to have wondered when I would break through the continual habitual sins. Maybe this is normal. I know that I have so far to go in my ascent up Mount Carmel but I draw stregth from looking back occasionally at the road less traveled and seeing the progress that I have made. I know that one must be careful that selfish pride does not gain a foothold. I also know that any progress that I may have made is not due to any of my own merits but depend entirely upon the Mercy and Grace of God. Without His Grace and Mercy there is no doubt in my mind that I would not even be alive much less trying to grow in love and holiness. I must continue to decrease daily and hourly so that His Love and Grace and Mercy may increase and become manefest within me. No one likes to go through suffering and I am the biggest baby when it comes to my little trials but if we (if I) allow Him to take over then graces abound. One of the most important documents that I read back in the early summer and several times since was Salvific Doloris by the late Holy Father John Paul II The Great. I think it was the realization that I could offer up my suffering for not only my own purification and sanctification but also for others that my little trials and suffering took on a new meaning. I had a mission so to speak and this gave me new hope and a new purpose. It took the focus off of me and my troubles and put the focus where it should be on Christ Our Lord. I get selfish and I want all the grace now and I do not want to have to go through the crucible to recieve it. This, even applied to achieving holiness is anouther 'me-ism' (as I like to call it)- rather I need to just praise Him in the present moment just because He is so wonderful. What grace He may or may not give me (spiritually, physically, emotionally or finacially) is not as important. I have only to trust compleatly and obey- the rest will come as His Will is done. I think for myself I have to think about what if when my daughter was little I gave her pounds of cake and ice cream when ever she asked- at the very least she would have been spoiled and even worse could develop some serious health problems and so like wise I have to trust in a God who in His Divine Providence has my long term happiness (and that of those around me) in His Mind not just my short term desires. It helps me at times when I want my own way to look at the Divine Mercy Image and read the inscription "Jesus I Trust in You!!". It is harder than it sounds at times though but I continue to try my best nothing else is more important.
Now, one might ask or say that this is really personal information to put out there for everyone to read and I answer that with that the reason I do is so that somewhere someone who is also struggling will not grow weary and give up on Christ. We have only to look to Him, especially in the Eucharist, and say "Jesus I trust in You". I close with a couple quotes that I may or may not have posted earlier (I forget sometimes sorry).
I pray that Christ Our Crucified and Risen Savior will bless you and those in your life as He has done with me and that Our Lady may keep you always beneath her protective mantle of love and grace.
Omnia Pro Iesu Per Mariam!

"Wisdom enters through love, silence, and mortification. It is great wisdom to know how to be silent and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others."
+St John of the Cross, OCD

"For my heart is always with Him, day and night it thinks unceasingly of its heavenly and divine Friend, to whom it wants to prove its affection. Also within it arises this desire: not to die, but to suffer long, to suffer for God, to give Him its life while praying for poor sinners."
+Bl Elisabeth of the Trinity, OCD

"You will be consoled according to the greatness of your sorrow and affliction; the greater the suffering, the greater will be the reward."
+St Mary Magdalen de'Pazzi, OCD

"Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home--
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene--one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will: remember not past years.

So long Thy power hath blessed me, sure it still
Will lead me on,
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone;
And with the morn those angel faces smile
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile."

Cardinal J. H. Newman

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